Personal and Spiritual Growth

Credit belongs to my parents for my basic core values such as integrity, work ethic, thrift, empathy for those less fortunate, and love of freedom all of which they lived and taught in everyday examples.  They loved their adopted county and were proud to call themselves Democrats who cherished their right to vote.  I have always had an interest in my Bohemian and Eastern European background and hope to discover more inherited characteristics as I uncover some of the mysteries of my parents heritage.  I will spend more time in this genealogical research in retirement.  I have made a decent start.

I do not give a lot of credit to my parents for my Personal Growth as they had all they could do in physically growing three children and taking care of themselves.  There is no blame as I know they did the best they could with what they knew.  Any mistakes they may have made had been forgiven by me by the time I was 30.  I have been responsible for my own Personal Growth since I left home. 

I left home at age 17, married Keith at age 20, had two children at 27 and 29.  During the early years, I learned  by experience and grew to be a whole person who was capable of having respectful work with better than average wages and maintain a household that included growing/canning food, sewing clothes for my family, cooking healthy meals, and being in balance with the natural world around me. Keith and I both grew with the challenges that came with being parents and experienced so much joy words cannot descibe as our children made us so proud. I found true happiness as a wife and mother.  My best memories are now left in so many photo albums I lovingly kept organized for 35 years.  My challenge in retirement is to scan these photos and write down memories for an electronic record.  It will be fun to relive the past and play with design but I also hope and plan to continue Personal Growth as part of the lives of my adult children and living the Golden Years with my husband.

At age 30, I began my career with the State Tax Commission of Missouri as a Real Estate Appraiser monitoring the Assessor's offices in SW Missouri.  The education to be capable of doing such a large task was state-provided as needed as well as all expenses.  The skills for this job were developed on the job and adapting to changes was typical.  My attraction to this work began with a desire to work from my home so I could better balance my rolls as wife and mother and homemaker.  I have been highly successful and blessed.

One of the major changes that I adapted to was when my children left the nest in 1999-2000.  Immediately, I was assigned a work territory that challenged my skills and began to increase my time away from home.  I also expanded my experience and knowledge in the level of my appraisals which started by working along the Mississippi River in SE Missouri...way out of my comfort zone.  My assignments began to include larger cities and diverse markets.  By 2002, I realized that my education needs surpassed what was being provided by the state so I found a path through the private sector and became a General Certified Appraiser by 2005.

I thought this was my biggest challenge because it was achieved during stressful years that began with tough economic issues with talk of furlough from my state job lasting many months.  My husband's 14-month unemployment from the garment industry resulted in a great challenge for him to get his college degree and a new career as a Financial Manager.  My son's decision to leave college to enlist in the Army August 2001 was followed by deployment to Iraq twice.  My daughter was living farther away and on her own. I was diagnosed with diabetes in 2003. The world was changing very fast.  There was no other choice for me but to keep moving forward.

As I was struggling to attain my certification, I also began taking steps to have my own appraisal business as a back-up should the state cut-backs affect me.  I set up a Limited Liability Company.  I was ready to go with the final expenditures when I received my General Certification in August 2005.  Before the month was out and after two weeks of discussions with my husband and daughter, I applied for the Manager position of my department with the State Tax Commission of Missouri.  I was interviewed twice and put on hold for six months while I continued to build my business and do my state work assignments.  Then the call came that said I was the new Manager of the Ratio Study Section.

I made no secret of the fact that my interest as manager was to lead the staff through a transition period to help bring the department up to a level similar to the private sector.  I clearly stated what I could do and that I likely would have it done in about three years then I would be eligible for retirement.  I hinted that maybe I would stay on another two years with a substantial pay raise.  I was prepared to live in Jefferson City for up to five years commuting back home on weekends. All went well until the end of the first year.

I injured my neck when I was shoveling 17" snow from my driveway at my duplex in Jefferson City.  Within a couple months I was in pain management.  I would have been able to tolerate this challenge if it weren't for the disrespect I was also developing for several of my co-workers, the other managers and the commissioners.  As my strength diminished physically, so did my tolerance for bad behavior.  Good leadership role models were not present.  It seemed the more I held onto my integrity, the less respect and acceptance I received from the other three managers and the three commissioners.  Sixteen months into my manager position, I knew I had accomplished all that I had set out to do and asked that my position as field appraiser be restored giving two months notice.  I was beginning to see that I would continue to have moral conflicts should I remain in this political environment.  Much more was expected of me as manager and no one saw my resignation coming.  I had all the changes in place and what was remaining was the follow-thru and the fine-tuning of the new policies and procedures I had set in place.  I realized I would rather show staff how it is done rather than tell staff how to do it.  I'm not much of an enforcer so it was better for everyone that I left.  I used my intuition in so many ways in this position and believe it served me well.  It was my greatest challenge to keep my intuition alive and well in this political environment where unconventional non-conformity is needed for change but is not tolerated for very long.  Time to move on...

I was somewhat pleased with my returning salary realizing it was at the higher end of the pay scale; I asked for the highest and didn't get it.  It was good enough as a basis for my retirement formula.  I would never have reached this level if I had not accepted the manager position no matter how many years I continued to work as an appraiser or with the amount of work I wanted to do in my own business.  So financially, it was a great move to accept the manager position and return as an appraiser at a much higher pay.  I also have the satisfaction of knowing that I did the best I could to bring the State Tax Commission Ratio Section into a comparable level with the private sector where the legal challenges were increasing.  The STC still remains as the 'final word' in value as always, but now we can justify that responsibility with uniform standards applied to everyone.  I believe there is a qualified 'enforcer' as my manger replacement.  I believe I knew he was going to replace me as manager before he even considered it.  I knew in the first six months he would be a good candidate to replace me and set several things in motion to move in that direction.  My intuition proved to be right.  He was more adaptable to the political environment as he left an elected position before his term was up to take the manager position.  I wish him well.  The career part of my Personal Growth is coming to an end soon.  I am in a good position to fade out of one picture and begin the rest of my life.

My Spiritual Growth began with a Catholic upbringing from two parents with Old World Catholic backgrounds.  There was Church on Sundays and Grace at family dinners.  A few times a priest came to our home to counsel my parents.  But generally, praying was done behind closed doors and was a personal time.  I spent eight years attending a parochial school in Virginia.  In my teenage years, catholic became more of a universal term and my father said I was more of a "free spirit" than a Catholics' catholic.  I liked the way that sounded and also liked the freedom of not being contained in one limited box of beliefs and doctrines.  Of course, the simple and basic beliefs taught in my developing years never left my core.  I have never known a time when I did not have a relationship with God and even in the worst of times, He was always there.  I try to follow the teachings of Jesus Christ and am successful when I keep it simple and part of my everyday life.  The Holy Spirit is a part of me and I have never known a time when I did not have the Holy Spirit within reach; I just get quiet, centered and ask that I be open to hear.  I have come to think of my intuition as the Voice and the simpler my life is, the louder and more often I hear.  I was in my 40's before I truly trusted my intuition and it came to me more often and became stronger.  I was always aware that evil can disguise itself and I have looked it in the eye and said I want no part and evil must leave or I will call on St. Micheal and my Guardian Angel.  Simple, but always effective.  I do not have any fear.  When fear tries to creep into my life, my faith is strong enough to weaken it, my hope is clear enough to move forward even when fear tries to drag me down.  My biggest challenge is charity.  I think I am a kind person and generally am polite and respectful of others. I usually smile first at people I encounter but as I get older, I trust people less.  My experience has been that the more I gave; more was expected.  I don't mind this when the gratitude is genuine for something I could do that really helped but I have a problem when what I do may have contributed more to people not doing for themselves when they should or could.  My lifestyle is seclusive at times because I fear people want to take advantage of me. It is easier to be charitable to worthy organizations with money contributions.  I plan to expand my charitable work directly with people when I retire by volunteering my time.  I want to work on increasing my trust of others and will continue to search for the good in people hopeful that I will find that there are people who wish to give as much as they receive.  I'm beginning to see that assertive people are better equipped to say what they want and what they have to give.  Time is too short to play games.

The path to inner peace included regular visits to different churches during my 30's and 40's and exposing my children to the beliefs and routines that are part of our community among friends and neighbors by attending their churches.  I hope I taught them by my example to respect all religious traditions and that people create tradition to help them keep their faith in one God who they can get to know through His Son, Jesus Christ.  Also, that there are many paths to God and each person must have their own journey whether they choose to follow with a church or not.  There is no right or wrong way as long as a person is true to themselves and not following fear.  Again, intuition is the Voice that guides in the right direction.

My husband didn't support the Catholic Church and I went infrequently alone or with relatives.  He did give it a try for a few months but lost interest and stopped going with me.  The children went sometimes with me but without their father and children their own age, they didn't seem any more interested than I did.  I did my best to give them the same core values I had and their father had similar Christian values and together we raised a couple good kids.  Together as a family, we spent three wonderful years as members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Later Day Saints; we were Mormons.

The missionaries that came to our door began a relationship with love and opened our hearts and minds with their social network united in the teachings of Jesus Christ through a modern prophet.  Seemed harmless enough and interesting.  Most of all we were attracted to the family-oriented system of support.Within a year, we reached the highest level by being married in the Celestrial Room of the Mormon Temple in Utah and sealed our family together for all eternity in a nice ceremony.  So much of the rituals were pleasant as they were similar to rituals in the Catholic Church.  It all started to crumble shortly after the first year when odd beliefs and rituals began to be introduced.  The list of things that made me uncomfortable grew and I began to identify some things that I missed from the Catholic Church and could never deny.  Throughout the three years as  a member of the Morman Church, I always felt the love of its members and grew as a teacher in many of the 'callings' I was given.  I believe the end came when Keith was overwhelmed with so many 'callings' and stopped attending six months before I finally gave it up.  My 'callings' were more demanding and resistant to any limitations I chose to put on them.  When the long-distance activities took more time than we wanted to give, it was easier to cut complete ties.  We miss most of the people but don't miss the few odd and uncomfortable rituals and beliefs or the excessive demands on our time and talents.  Sad that no middle ground was found.  By then, each of us in our family went our own way spiritually, but remain Christians.  I am responsible for my own faith.

My Spiritual Growth will continue as a member of the Catholic Church and I will likely become more active in retirement.  I know I do not belong anywhere else.  I know God wants me to be the best I can be and that is so I can appreciate all His gifts and be thankful and full so I can give to others in need.  I know God accepts me as I am and is my only Judge.